It's MY party

Wednesday January 16th, 2019  ( have not been outside in two days. rambling aloud)

Reflecting on past memories as they randomly pop into my head with such great detail it feels as if I am there but watching. Some are good others, not so much. I can smell the aroma in the air around me from the memory, I liken it to getting "sweet air" at the dentist. Anytime I was given gas I could swear I am having de ja vu or in a glitch in the matrix it was far more prominent as a child but it would feel almost as if I was between dimensions. Smelling and hearing a photograph.

It seems very strange for me to change so dramatically. I had finally gotten off all the pharmaceuticals and granted a legal medical cannabis card. I had lost some weight and felt pretty good. I still was trying to ignore my symptoms of whatever I was suffering from, it was all just in my mind, the voices. Now people would read that last statement and roll their eyes or shake their heads, "Such a Crutch".

I want to understand why I am not longer the person I was in 2017. I have gained SO much weight, my heart had a stint put in, I am on a total of 12 pills a day of which I am told for life. Why must I be on all these medications for life? All we are doing is letting them control us, they put us on all sorts of chemicals and God knows what. These meds then cause side effects that cause additional medication with even more side effects, an endless circle of the machine.

Today's memories had to do with a few birthdays over my life that were not as happy as they could have been. Made the best of whatever it happened to be, taking friends to a movie or even just house parties. The only attendees seemed to be those who were made to attend, like my "sweet sixteen" two sisters couldn't miss a Menu-do concert on tv. and others still just didn't show. Sure I was hurting inside but I would make the best of the situation.

LB #WWG1WGA
Qarmy

"It's all in your head"

Tuesday January 15th, 2019   

If you know someone with mental health issues please don't say "It's all in your head" Like Duh! I know that already, it's what I have been trying to tell you all these years.

The reason for this comment, directed at me by my husband came about when I asked him to please stop at the store on his way home as I did not want to hurt anyone while I drive at twilight and later. I have, in addition to a few other issues Schizo-effective which causes me to question my judgement at night. It is at this point he proceeds to tell me how he really doesn't want to do it, he is tired. I said "I understand but I don't want to risk hurting anyone". His response was "I don't get it you are younger than you are acting" I asked how age had anything to do with my wanting to be safe? It was this point he said "I think it is all in your head, you use to be able to drive to and from work just fine"

Truth be told, I never liked driving at night since I can not differentiate my "shadows" or real. It makes me want to swerve as to not hit it but it isn't really there etc. Now what I find so baffling is only last week at 2:30 pm, daylight, I posted that I was going to pick up my son from school. While I sat in the parking lot waiting for him my husband calls my cell. He asked what I was doing and I told him. He then proceeded to say the following as I just sat with my jaw dropped. 

"Oh, so you decided to risk it huh? Well if you take someones life it's on you".I asked what he was talking about and he rattled off how I said I was afraid to drive at night because I would hate to hurt someone. "Right so you are afraid yet you would risk the life of our son or someone else all just to pick him up?" All I could say was I was still trying to process the whole If your willing to risk taking a life it's on me. I said I had trouble when the sun would go down it was 2:30 in the afternoon. "Whatever, I'll talk to you later."

Believe me, I am no saint. I know I am near impossible to live with, I get it. I know I am a horrible wife in so much as failing to uphold certain areas. He has stayed with me despite my faults, but I am sorry if I am wrong but it hurts really bad when the one person on earth you love and trust says such things to and about you.