"It's all in your head"

Tuesday January 15th, 2019   

If you know someone with mental health issues please don't say "It's all in your head" Like Duh! I know that already, it's what I have been trying to tell you all these years.

The reason for this comment, directed at me by my husband came about when I asked him to please stop at the store on his way home as I did not want to hurt anyone while I drive at twilight and later. I have, in addition to a few other issues Schizo-effective which causes me to question my judgement at night. It is at this point he proceeds to tell me how he really doesn't want to do it, he is tired. I said "I understand but I don't want to risk hurting anyone". His response was "I don't get it you are younger than you are acting" I asked how age had anything to do with my wanting to be safe? It was this point he said "I think it is all in your head, you use to be able to drive to and from work just fine"

Truth be told, I never liked driving at night since I can not differentiate my "shadows" or real. It makes me want to swerve as to not hit it but it isn't really there etc. Now what I find so baffling is only last week at 2:30 pm, daylight, I posted that I was going to pick up my son from school. While I sat in the parking lot waiting for him my husband calls my cell. He asked what I was doing and I told him. He then proceeded to say the following as I just sat with my jaw dropped. 

"Oh, so you decided to risk it huh? Well if you take someones life it's on you".I asked what he was talking about and he rattled off how I said I was afraid to drive at night because I would hate to hurt someone. "Right so you are afraid yet you would risk the life of our son or someone else all just to pick him up?" All I could say was I was still trying to process the whole If your willing to risk taking a life it's on me. I said I had trouble when the sun would go down it was 2:30 in the afternoon. "Whatever, I'll talk to you later."

Believe me, I am no saint. I know I am near impossible to live with, I get it. I know I am a horrible wife in so much as failing to uphold certain areas. He has stayed with me despite my faults, but I am sorry if I am wrong but it hurts really bad when the one person on earth you love and trust says such things to and about you.

"It can't all be just me"

Wednesday  December 19, 2018  41°  sunny   11:28 am 

Working on my nails for Christmas, speaking of which I am perfectly fine with Happy Holidays seeing as there are so many holidays this month and I appreciate the good intentions and Joy. I can not believe they are complaining about a classic Christmas song, "Baby it's cold outside" being a sexual harassment?! If that is the case we need to do the same and bitch about the word Gay being in other songs or animal abuse in 12 days of Christmas. I mean those who want to ban such things are only showing how selfish they really are. Where is the equal rights?

1:16 pm

Things not to say  to a person dealing with PTSD, Anxiety, and Schizophrenic Bipolar Disorders:
"I am going through all of what your going through plus I have the added stress over the finances now and you don't see me on medications and calling off work" or "When is it going to be my turn" Trust me, you don't want this for you to have your turn we don't appreciate such under playing of mental heath issues and how it affects us when you can't possibly know what is going on inside. Just a tip from your favorite mental patient (which I am) Hence the title of Ramblings of a Mad Hatter. 

Pleahen you say such things, hang up then call back only to ask if I am going in our not despite telling you I  have a nauseating migraine that has come on due the stress and fighting between my now 15 year old son and his father then dragging me deeply into that negativity and then getting mad and bringing up how I am lucky my work is allowing me to work part time and here I go taking off a day... and yet another call now, the ringer is killing me. and again! it's 1:41 and he has called me 4 times, I ended hanging up on him even after I said "If you are going to keep calling me while I am feeling like this I will hang up on you" you then say "Well its annoying as hell, you have to stop letting these things get to you and risk loosing your job. You can't just call in when things are a little tough". ,I am going to lay down and turn the freakin phone off.

4:28 pm

So he called 2 more times since I last wrote, asking if I went to post office to which I said I had not gone out at all due to my headache. When I offered to take it he said "well if you can do that you can go to work" I said dropping an envelope into a post box is in no way like working multiple hours. He keeps insisting our family is dysfunctional and that the therapist whom we have only seen 2-3 times tops and he doesn't see where this therapist is helping at all. So I am off to the post office TTFN

His new comments on "it can't all be me" every time he argues with our son  is driving me insaner

December 7, 2018

Friday December 7, 2018    5:18 pm    23°  Cold. I am putting links for each.

The sun was out earlier with an ever so light flurry.On my way to the river, where I recharge and write usually in notebook but I can access this through my phone to update this.

 WTAF is going on around the world right now yet we are not hearing?!

1.  Russia's tension with America over US Air strikes in Syria. as well as the Crisis in Ukraine 

2.  Hawaii had an island SINK

3.  Scientists want to know why Yellowstone's Steamboat Geyser keeps erupting

4.   Volcanic activity in  Hawaii, Indonisia and Guatemala

5.  Massive Flood, Sink hols & Land slide increase

6.  Tsunami  again poor Indonesia, they had 3 natural disasters withing same year.

7.  The Unusual fires in California, Yes I said unusual. First, there was the mass shooting at the              same time-frame, hours before the two simultaneous fires start.. Look at this then truly look at the damage AND lack of damage here  Captured by this drone

Don't even get me started in modified weather, that is a whole other post! But with all this "natural" disasters I would not be surprised that the strange "sky quakes" could be the groaning and such as the tectonic plates shift. Another whole other post, matter of fact I hope to do posts on each along with the immigrant caravan all at the same time.
 
🤔💫Pondering and entertaining the though that perhaps all the creatures of fairy-tales are actually "aliens races"? Shall look into this more...


8:58 pm   18°   Colder than a witch's tit 

So my husband has been, how do I say, Nagging me? About "I don't understand why you would just walk away from a steady job like that after a few years, that was very irresponsible of you". I try to explain that at that time I genuinely had to, even the doctor placed me on short term leave that day. I was re-diagnosed, it wasn't a choice. Even after I told him if I hadn't I would be dead now. Yet I took on a shift in another store and am even working more hours a day than doctor wrote but nope I am being selfish and when I say "I don't know what you want me to say", then I genuinely say sorry and his response is "Yeah, I always get that,bye".

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Inside each of us there lives a small spark, larger for some, but none the less it is there. That piece that makes you question things. The part that does not care what others think of your demeanor or appearance, when you feel free. That is me, Lucia Bain. While I am actually a persona and pen name for my unknown author.

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