Some things coming

Tuesday January 22, 2019   31°  Cold  misting all day causing black ice now snowing

I am looking forward for the other shoe to drop, all hell is going to break loose. As some may know I am so hoping the theory of John F. Kennedy Jr. is still alive, faking his own death so that his opponent wouldn't get the chance and allowing him to be a ghost working behind the scenes. I find it very odd that Bill Clinton, Nancy Pilosi and George H. Bush all knew/met President JFK.

 Bill Clinton

Nancy Pilosi

George H.W. Bush

It's MY party

Wednesday January 16th, 2019  ( have not been outside in two days. rambling aloud)

Reflecting on past memories as they randomly pop into my head with such great detail it feels as if I am there but watching. Some are good others, not so much. I can smell the aroma in the air around me from the memory, I liken it to getting "sweet air" at the dentist. Anytime I was given gas I could swear I am having de ja vu or in a glitch in the matrix it was far more prominent as a child but it would feel almost as if I was between dimensions. Smelling and hearing a photograph.

It seems very strange for me to change so dramatically. I had finally gotten off all the pharmaceuticals and granted a legal medical cannabis card. I had lost some weight and felt pretty good. I still was trying to ignore my symptoms of whatever I was suffering from, it was all just in my mind, the voices. Now people would read that last statement and roll their eyes or shake their heads, "Such a Crutch".

I want to understand why I am not longer the person I was in 2017. I have gained SO much weight, my heart had a stint put in, I am on a total of 12 pills a day of which I am told for life. Why must I be on all these medications for life? All we are doing is letting them control us, they put us on all sorts of chemicals and God knows what. These meds then cause side effects that cause additional medication with even more side effects, an endless circle of the machine.

Today's memories had to do with a few birthdays over my life that were not as happy as they could have been. Made the best of whatever it happened to be, taking friends to a movie or even just house parties. The only attendees seemed to be those who were made to attend, like my "sweet sixteen" two sisters couldn't miss a Menu-do concert on tv. and others still just didn't show. Sure I was hurting inside but I would make the best of the situation.

LB #WWG1WGA
Qarmy

"It's all in your head"

Tuesday January 15th, 2019   

If you know someone with mental health issues please don't say "It's all in your head" Like Duh! I know that already, it's what I have been trying to tell you all these years.

The reason for this comment, directed at me by my husband came about when I asked him to please stop at the store on his way home as I did not want to hurt anyone while I drive at twilight and later. I have, in addition to a few other issues Schizo-effective which causes me to question my judgement at night. It is at this point he proceeds to tell me how he really doesn't want to do it, he is tired. I said "I understand but I don't want to risk hurting anyone". His response was "I don't get it you are younger than you are acting" I asked how age had anything to do with my wanting to be safe? It was this point he said "I think it is all in your head, you use to be able to drive to and from work just fine"

Truth be told, I never liked driving at night since I can not differentiate my "shadows" or real. It makes me want to swerve as to not hit it but it isn't really there etc. Now what I find so baffling is only last week at 2:30 pm, daylight, I posted that I was going to pick up my son from school. While I sat in the parking lot waiting for him my husband calls my cell. He asked what I was doing and I told him. He then proceeded to say the following as I just sat with my jaw dropped. 

"Oh, so you decided to risk it huh? Well if you take someones life it's on you".I asked what he was talking about and he rattled off how I said I was afraid to drive at night because I would hate to hurt someone. "Right so you are afraid yet you would risk the life of our son or someone else all just to pick him up?" All I could say was I was still trying to process the whole If your willing to risk taking a life it's on me. I said I had trouble when the sun would go down it was 2:30 in the afternoon. "Whatever, I'll talk to you later."

Believe me, I am no saint. I know I am near impossible to live with, I get it. I know I am a horrible wife in so much as failing to uphold certain areas. He has stayed with me despite my faults, but I am sorry if I am wrong but it hurts really bad when the one person on earth you love and trust says such things to and about you.

Just a little law and order and Military Tribunals

Monday January 14th, 2019  27°  Grey and Cold

U.S. Code Title 18, Part I, Chapter 115, 2381 Treason:

• 0Whoever, owing allegiance to the United States, levies war against them or adheres to their enemies, giving them aid and comfort within the United States or elsewhere, is guilty of treason and shall suffer death, or shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined under this title but not less than $10,000; and shall be incapable of holding any office under the United States.

Tuesday January 15th, 2019  25°  feels colder.

U.S. Code title 10, Subsection A, Part II, Chapter 47, Sub chapter X, 906a, Article 106a  Espionage 

• (1) Any person subject to this chapter who, with intent or reason to believe that it is to be used to the injury of the United States or to the advantage of a foreign nation, communicates, delivers, or transmits, or attempts to communicate, deliver, or transmit, to any entity described in paragraph (2), either directly or indirectly, anything described in paragraph (3) shall be punished as a court-martial may direct, except that if the accused is found guilty of an offense that directly concerns (A) nuclear weaponry, military spacecraft or satellites, early warning systems,  or other means of defense or retaliation against large scale attack, (B) war plans, (C) communications intelligence or cryptographic information, or (D) any other major weapons system or major element of defense strategy, the accused shall be punished by death or such other punishment as a court-martial may direct.

(2)An entity referred to in paragraph (1) is—

(A)

a foreign government;

(B)

a faction or party or naval force within a foreign country, whether recognized or unrecognized by the United States; or

(C)

a representative, officer, agent, employee, subject, or citizen of such a government, faction, party, or force.

(3)

A thing referred to in paragraph (1) is a 

writing, code book, signal book, sketch, photograph, photographic negative, blueprint, plan, map, model, note, instrument, appliance, or information relating to the national defense.

(b)

(1)No person may be sentenced by Court-martial to suffer death for an offense under this section (article) unless—

(A)

the members of the 

Court-martial

 u

nanimously find at least one of the aggravating factors set out in subsection (c); and

(B)

the members unanimously determine that any extenuating or mitigating circumstances are substantially outweighed by any aggravating circumstances, including the aggravating factors set out in subsection (c).

(2)Findings under this subsection may be based on—

(A)

evidence introduced on the issue of guilt or innocence;

(B)

evidence introduced during the sentencing proceeding 

or

(C)

all such evidence.

(3)

The accused shall be given broad latitude to present matters in extenuation and mitigation.

(c)A sentence of death may be adjudged by a 

Court-martial

 

for an offense under this section (article) only if the members unanimously find, beyond a reasonable doubt, one or more of the following aggravating factors:

(1)

The accused has been convicted of another offense involving espionage or treason for which either a sentence of death or imprisonment for life was authorized by statute.

(2)

In the commission of the offense, the accused knowingly created a grave risk of substantial damage to the National Security 

(3)

In the commission of the offense, the accused knowingly created a grave risk of death to another person.

(4)

Any other factor that may be prescribed by the President by regulations under Section 836 of this title (article 36)

Next post will  be about vaccines and more

LB - WWG1WGA

My 100th Monkey

Monday January 14th, 2019

The story of the hundredth monkey effect was published in Lyall Watson's foreword to Lawrence Blair's Rhythms of Vision in 1975, and spread with the appearance of Watson's 1979 book Lifetide. The account is that unidentified scientists were conducting a study of macaque monkeys on the Japanese island of Kōjima in 1952.These scientists observed that some of these monkeys learned to wash sweet potatoes, and gradually this new behavior spread through the younger generation of monkeys—in the usual fashion, through observation and repetition. Watson then concluded that the researchers observed that once a critical number of monkeys was reached, i.e., the hundredth monkey, this previously learned behavior instantly spread across the water to monkeys on nearby islands. (Taken from Wiki)

There is an additional theory that applies to consciousness. People all over the world share similar ideas and where one is trying to find more to their findings someone else has thought of that very thing but was missing what the first person had. For instance I have a theory of a new invention but I am stuck on how to finish one part and then not long after I see that someone else essentially had the exact invention I wanted but they "beat me to it" I know many people would say, "Now why didn't I think of that", or "You should get a patent for that you'd make millions" Then see it in a store, or on an infomercial.

This is how it feels for me when I think I am on to something then it shows up in my feeds. My thought is this one consciousness I am speaking of. "once a critical number of monkeys was reached, i.e., the hundredth monkey" from above. Proving there is power in numbers. So from this I ask a parallel question as to DNA can learn and change, causing inherent mutations that become the next generations and so on.

(Here we go with the multi topic posts, courtesy of Bubba Fett from my favorite dispensary Nature's Care)

Along the lines above, Stimulation also manipulates responses that become memory, or imprinted. Case in point, water. Tests have been done showing what happens to water, yes I said water, which samples were exposed to horrible treatment (negative intentions and words when frozen crystallized in a VERY different form than the water exposed to constant loving or positive treatment which froze in the form we are most familiar with. I also think this has something to do with the snow these days. I have noticed in recent years there are 2 types of flurry snow these days, the one I always remembers light single flakes etc but now I also see tiny snow ball looking flakes. It makes me think about all the hatred and fighting going on these days...   

 

Next post will focus on Treason

I love a good conspiracy

Friday January 4th 2019  7:55 pm still damn cold. (tonight's ramblings courtesy of "Bubba Fett" Indica)

What in earth is going onn?! I mean I love a good conspiracy but in just a mere few months we have had more than a typical amount of them. Everything from the Russian collusion and nonsense now saying things such as George H Bush was executed for treason. That he was involved with Kennedy's assassination, and many other far darker theories flying about, then the envelopes of doom at George H's funeral, several notes passing and odd behaviors and questions.

Curve Ball Outta nowhere!

JFK jr is actually still alive and has been gathering intelligence to help take down those who were responsible for his father's death but also the deep shadow government and all the atrocities committed since.

How many will they churn out now, causing utter chaos and mis/dis information being distributed. You don't know who to trust anymore, not even ourselves at times. We are being overstimulated at an alarming rate. Predictive programming is showing itself right in front of us bet we are missing it with all the distractions.

I mean, out here there is so much, too much to be honest. "News" nowadays is nothing more than someone's point of view. No longer do people rely on proof, truth and facts and it is causing mayhem and discontent among our citizens legal and otherwise. Some crying fake news, others spouting real news and so one so who is right? People are so terribly divided, especially since September 11th, 2001. Speaking of which, here is a sample of predictive programming... (I am not nudging at the alien part but more about the mutual threat against all of humanity.

Is this not a time of such a mutual threat to our very humanity, we need to stop pushing the negatives, fueling that thick, dark sludge that is consuming our world. A different kind of zombie apocalypse, is being created by the press, bias opinions each claiming the other as liars. How did that go...

First post of the new year...

Friday January 4th, 2019  5:28 pm  44°

So much going on and at such a rate it is hard to keep up. Recently the buzz makers are the "Mysterious Notes" at former President George H. Bush's funeral (or as some have dubbed it "Poppys Bush Funeral". It would seem that 6 couples, possibly more, received a note sized envelope tucked in the Wife's program. It is clearly seen on various cameras that The Clintons, Obamas, Biden's Cheney's, Gore's and Pence's all had a small envelope that caused them to change their demeanor in seconds. I also want to ask why so much focus on these envelopes? I am more interested in the small hand passed notes. More in a moment on that.

There was footage of George W writing something down, was that what he passed to Laura? Or did the secret service agent lean in and hand off something to them? there was exchanging of eye contact between Laura, Jeb and the bald agent. Something drained the life from the three of them, Laura, Jeb and George all became deeply concerned and almost defeated. Some are speculating indictments but in the instant reaction from Jeb it had to be either an image of a very short comment or word. So far the leading theory is that George W flipped and that was what was in those envelopes, "I flipped" or "I confessed everything" from the former president.

It is also something to note that GW had 2 secret service agents directly behind him, even those on the other side of the isle had singular agents two rows back. There is a lot of theories going around, my husband even said wouldn't it be funny if Trump gave them an invitation for lunch at the White House. Seriously, we will not know until it is released and even then will it be true or fake?

I am going to now, start some research as to where these folks have been since the funeral. Some say Military Tribunals have begun at the start of this new year, I want to see if these folks have been seen since. Perhaps more on draining the swamp and the massive human trafficking and other horrendous things some of these people had been said to be a part of are being dismantled and brought to light.

So back to the even more curious note passing between several of these people. I thought it very strange that Mike Pence and his wife went over to talk with Hillary whom immediately stood up to talk to them (before discovering the envelope) before POTUS even comes in and you can see on camera, Bill Clinton spins around in his seat, away from his wife to get a hand off from Dick Chaney? When GW enters he shakes hands with Trump through Barrack then stretches over and slides a message to Michelle who tries to hide it behind her program. When Bill and Cheney do the hand off they even stare directly at the camera, then Bill stands up beside Hillary.

Now back to Flipping... I believe GW reached out to POTUS after his mother passed and then his father. Perhaps he went to Trump offering everything he knows about Deep State and Cabal in return for protection of his family. Some are saying his father was actually executed for treason and George W knew what was to come and struck a sweetheart deal. I hope that in the coming weeks we hear more about what is really going on, the "Storm", has it arrived? are we in the eye of it perhaps.

Another perception could be that the secrets passed were that of George H being executed for treason and this was why George appeared so drained and almost disgusted, the look, the seeming mouthing of Yep, and then the dropping of his head and the reason GW wanted to flip rather than continue the Shadow Government Agenda. Well, enough rambling for now.

Be Prepared when the SHTF

In the event that we have an attempt to wipe out our power grid, causing a national blackout, like an EMP attack

Will you be ready?

Below is a list of useful items to help make life a little better if such a terror attack does cause a shut down of our entire power grid. In addition, don't under estimate the power of goodwill you can save some money when it will be needed elsewhere.

• Bottled Water at least 1 gallon per person
• Canned Foods
• Rice, Beans, Wheat, Flour and Yeast. 
• Water Filters/Purifiers
• Charcoal. not just for cooking & heat, can be used to purify water
• Cooking Oils 
  
• Milk powdered and condensed.
• Salt
• Cast iron pots and dutch ovens are long lasting and are made to be used over an open fire.
• Gardening Supplies seeds, books, and tools
• Canning supplies including the jars, lids, pressure cookers, pectin, and other supplies
• Jerky and other long lasting meats. 
• Teas, Coffee, Powered beverages.
• Hygiene supplies shampoo, toothbrushes and toothpaste, mouthwash, floss, etc
• First aid kits
• OTC meds. Pain relievers, Fever reducers, cold & flu, cough syrup. 
• Toilet Paper, Kleenex, Paper Towels
• Vitamins and Herbal Supplements
• Gas masks 
• Flashlights, lanterns, and glowsticks. And don’t forget the batteries or fuel.
• Candles
• Lighters, matches, flint and steel fire starters, fire pistons 
• Saws, axes, hatchets, machetes, hunting knives, sharpening stones and honing oil.
• Fishing supplies/tools 
• Tarps, plastic rolls, nails, rope, hammers and spikes to improvise an shelter.
• Gasoline Containers or anything that could be a gas or water container.
• Gloves, scarves, hats, earmuffs etc
• Boots, belts, warm comfortable clothes, thick socks.
• Cold weather clothing and weather clothing
• Bleach
• Knives & Sharpening tools 
• Backpacks, Duffel Bags
• Large garbage cans and garbage bags can be used for trash, storage, water collection, hauling goods etc. Garbage bags have dozens and dozens of uses, the thick 55 gallon size being the best.
• Paper, pads, pencils, sharpeners, pens, and solar calculators
• Sleeping Bags, Blankets, Pillows, Mats and Inflatable Mattresses.
• Buckets of all sizes and shapes
• Plastic Wrap and Insulation
• Glue, duct tape, nails, nuts, bolts, screws
• Aluminum foil. Can be used for cooking and to harness some power from the sun for purifying water and cooking.
• Prescription medications.
• Duct Tape and Electrical Tape
• Hand pumps & siphons for gas, water, oil

"It can't all be just me"

Wednesday  December 19, 2018  41°  sunny   11:28 am 

Working on my nails for Christmas, speaking of which I am perfectly fine with Happy Holidays seeing as there are so many holidays this month and I appreciate the good intentions and Joy. I can not believe they are complaining about a classic Christmas song, "Baby it's cold outside" being a sexual harassment?! If that is the case we need to do the same and bitch about the word Gay being in other songs or animal abuse in 12 days of Christmas. I mean those who want to ban such things are only showing how selfish they really are. Where is the equal rights?

1:16 pm

Things not to say  to a person dealing with PTSD, Anxiety, and Schizophrenic Bipolar Disorders:
"I am going through all of what your going through plus I have the added stress over the finances now and you don't see me on medications and calling off work" or "When is it going to be my turn" Trust me, you don't want this for you to have your turn we don't appreciate such under playing of mental heath issues and how it affects us when you can't possibly know what is going on inside. Just a tip from your favorite mental patient (which I am) Hence the title of Ramblings of a Mad Hatter. 

Pleahen you say such things, hang up then call back only to ask if I am going in our not despite telling you I  have a nauseating migraine that has come on due the stress and fighting between my now 15 year old son and his father then dragging me deeply into that negativity and then getting mad and bringing up how I am lucky my work is allowing me to work part time and here I go taking off a day... and yet another call now, the ringer is killing me. and again! it's 1:41 and he has called me 4 times, I ended hanging up on him even after I said "If you are going to keep calling me while I am feeling like this I will hang up on you" you then say "Well its annoying as hell, you have to stop letting these things get to you and risk loosing your job. You can't just call in when things are a little tough". ,I am going to lay down and turn the freakin phone off.

4:28 pm

So he called 2 more times since I last wrote, asking if I went to post office to which I said I had not gone out at all due to my headache. When I offered to take it he said "well if you can do that you can go to work" I said dropping an envelope into a post box is in no way like working multiple hours. He keeps insisting our family is dysfunctional and that the therapist whom we have only seen 2-3 times tops and he doesn't see where this therapist is helping at all. So I am off to the post office TTFN

His new comments on "it can't all be me" every time he argues with our son  is driving me insaner

December 17-18, 2018

Monday  December 17, 2018   42°  blue skies and sunny. Listening to Edge of Wonder

Got called into work tomorrow & Wednesday so I start at 1 pm till 7 pm am. I may have mentioned this but I always wondered who decides what is in and what things are popular for this year etc.
Again, somewhat predictive programming geared at our children and continues through adulthood. Who controls all we see and hear and much to our complacency and laziness. We are accepting which ever news outlet or programs we agree with, have a narrative that fits their own ideals.

For example, you see billboards and advertisements everywhere and hidden within these personal attacks that we happily allow in our lives unknowingly letting our brains and senses be manipulated from the clothes we wear, music we listen to, and TV / Cinema. We are exposed to an overwhelming amount of these programming tools that make us numbed.So many people are programmed to want the "next big thing". Look what happens on Black Friday, people acting like animals fighting for food, lining up outside in a line overnight just to get the hottest tech the day it hits stores.

Now think about how much time not just we, but our children are plugged in, this generation is addicted to technology. Banks and credit companies have pretty much done away with the magnetic strip replacing it with a small chip, there is even talk about human chipping. We would be virtually at the mercy of those who know how to use these things to track us, access our devices and information. I really get worried when while working I see just how dangerous this card chip can be from a personal perspective. Those who get you chipped bank or credit card can all too easily use your card and not have to sign! No need for a pin number or signature anymore, and they say it is far more secure? What are they smoking and where can I get some.

We are all living a "Truman Show" life. Everything we do or say is captured someway and held in some huge computer data storage facility. People pass comments of feeling like they are in a movie or some similar sensation and in some respects we are. The powers that be, and not the good ones, train us to accept their agendas not ours. WWGOWGA

LB

Betrayal and more bewilderment

Thursday December 13, 2018   38°  10:30 pm    misty rain but not too cold.

At the job I am simply glad I have it despite my groaning, we NEED the money. I started at $8 something but was told it would be 9 in like a week after I would start. Fast forward 2 years 9 months of loyalty, Exceptional customer service even got employee due to the surveys coming in praised me for how helpful etc I was. Over this time I have had 2 reviews, however I was put on short term leave before I could get my 3rd for this year.

Anyway, Since the they have hired a few new people, ok, but when I come back someone who was just hired in September started at $13.50?! Then this other new employee got a promotion over me. I have given a great deal of myself for this company and yet I get shafted by management when I definitely have a LONG history of customer service yet that is the very reason this woman started at 13.50. I need to find a job that appreciate me, they were, after all responsible for my issues of mental and heart which caused me to go on leave.

I was all excited to see The Geminid meteor shower which the peak time will be between 10:30 pm 12/13/18 through the weekend But the morning isn't your only chance. On Thursday and Friday, keep an eye on the sky a few hours after sunset -- just keep the moon at your back. the most meteors passing will be around 7:30 am. Here's when and where to watch the last and strongest meteor shower of the year


Sunday December 16, 2018 44° clear, and cold

Once again my brain is overloaded, will write Tomorrow since I do not have work until next Saturday (unless someone calls in or something. Oh yeah one more thing, All employees wage has risen to $10 so Zach was almost right but not for the reasons he had thought. The other employee is NOT making 13.50 and I was made to feel much better, found that out yesterday when I asked my manager. For now I shall retire with a nice hand rolled jillybean.

a key for those just reading:

Green = medical cannabis
Dark Lavender = Headings = BOLD
Light Lavender = Links - smaller font
Will add more as needed ✌

Birthdays and Bewilderment

December 11, 2018  27 °  2:13 pm chilly but sunny


Getting ready to pick up my handsome son, Tomorrow is his fifteenth birthday! I am so very proud of him, he is beautiful inside and out. His soul is old and he is wiser than his years. I do fear however, that he may have inherited my empathetic gift. Going to Yummy Asian Bistro for sushi and fried rice. My son enjoyed himself and we had a wonderful evening.

December 12, 2018  23   9:20 pm cold and dreary all day. (Watching my favorite YouTube channels Edge of wonder.)


Population culling. That is what has been on my mind recently, with the suspicious packages sent to various political figures including Soros and Clintons. When I think about all the ways we can and possibly are being controlled:

Geo-engineering and weaponizing of weather.  Chem-trails and cloud seeding are just two ways to cause widespread contaminating agents. Not saying creating a real life Walking Dead Zombie apocalypse, but very well spread a mild cotangent that can weed out the weaker while the stronger a persons immunity would dictate what level a person is forming something like Gattica, a movie I highly recommend it.

GMO and animal steroids, pesticides and chemicals in our produce and more. There are so many ways they are directly manipulating our DNA and world. We have been unwittingly subjected to massive bombardment of assaults. We are willing lab rats for the hierarchy, we eat the fast food containing chemicals to make us crave it. We know it is not good for us but we just can't seem to stay away from it. We all have a weakness, be it wine, beer, fast food, drugs, sex, etc and we buckle and give in even if only once in a very while.

Frequencies and vibrations are another area we are constantly being manipulated by and many don't know it. All that stuff we tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorists say about how the higher powers are streaming various frequency waves to be received by parts of our brain we don't even know about. hmmm Starting to ramble, need sleep/   LB

December 7, 2018

Friday December 7, 2018    5:18 pm    23°  Cold. I am putting links for each.

The sun was out earlier with an ever so light flurry.On my way to the river, where I recharge and write usually in notebook but I can access this through my phone to update this.

 WTAF is going on around the world right now yet we are not hearing?!

1.  Russia's tension with America over US Air strikes in Syria. as well as the Crisis in Ukraine 

2.  Hawaii had an island SINK

3.  Scientists want to know why Yellowstone's Steamboat Geyser keeps erupting

4.   Volcanic activity in  Hawaii, Indonisia and Guatemala

5.  Massive Flood, Sink hols & Land slide increase

6.  Tsunami  again poor Indonesia, they had 3 natural disasters withing same year.

7.  The Unusual fires in California, Yes I said unusual. First, there was the mass shooting at the              same time-frame, hours before the two simultaneous fires start.. Look at this then truly look at the damage AND lack of damage here  Captured by this drone

Don't even get me started in modified weather, that is a whole other post! But with all this "natural" disasters I would not be surprised that the strange "sky quakes" could be the groaning and such as the tectonic plates shift. Another whole other post, matter of fact I hope to do posts on each along with the immigrant caravan all at the same time.
 
🤔💫Pondering and entertaining the though that perhaps all the creatures of fairy-tales are actually "aliens races"? Shall look into this more...


8:58 pm   18°   Colder than a witch's tit 

So my husband has been, how do I say, Nagging me? About "I don't understand why you would just walk away from a steady job like that after a few years, that was very irresponsible of you". I try to explain that at that time I genuinely had to, even the doctor placed me on short term leave that day. I was re-diagnosed, it wasn't a choice. Even after I told him if I hadn't I would be dead now. Yet I took on a shift in another store and am even working more hours a day than doctor wrote but nope I am being selfish and when I say "I don't know what you want me to say", then I genuinely say sorry and his response is "Yeah, I always get that,bye".

Tuesday November 4, 2018

This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I no longer have money on me, if I want/need money I have to ask for it. That being said lets get on with the current entry.

Tuesday December 4, 2018     1:25 pm    31° just dreary gray. no music just silence.

My husband has now called for the 9th time today to either remind me of what I need to do (laundry, dishes, sanding drywall etc.), what am I making for dinner, and once again going over why he doesn't understand why I would leave my full time job and go on short term medical leave when I knew the financial burden it would cause and the responsibility I have to pay various bills. Despite knowing how stressful the job had become, contributing to my heart issues back in April this year.

Why I thought it necessary to go on short term leave is because my doctor wrote a form out instructing as such. So from September 6 - November 23,  I was on leave all the while I under went much psychological testing, therapy and medications which would be tweaked every so often as they regulated dosages etc. All of which mind you has an additional price tag attached to it. $30 co-pay a week just to see both doctor and therapist only to learn in addition to my preexisting PTSD, anxiety and major depressive disorders it was discovered I am also Schizo-affective Bipolar. How does this affect me? Guess what, yup in addition to the 7 meds for my hear that I have to take for basically the rest of my life I get an additional 6 meds, did I mention I HATE big Pharma and believe they keep us ill so we need even more meds etc, which was why my previous therapist got me a start issued medical cannabis card.

Since my atrial-fibrillation episode in early and being thrust on 7 pills they put a stint into my widow-maker due to an 85% blockage, I am only 48! That my friends is why I had to leave my job for a little while, I have returned to work actually, though my doctor wrote out the limitations to my working conditions, I am to be at 25 hours the most and no more than 6 hours a day, 4 days a week and must be able to leave during daylight hours. So thus far as of November 25th I have worked 3 days and they have not yet put me on schedule for the entire next week, the Wednesday after tomorrow. Now about the meds I started taking in April... Most of them had the side affect "may cause depression", one even said significant depression. So as one can imagine, already having the handful of acronyms this only matters far worse..

As for my focus, memory and motor skills, I have to use spell check all the time now as even thought I think I am typing the right thing it inevitably comes up misspelled anyway. And once again had to call said doctor's office to get my appointment date/times because I could not remember. It really sucks, you feel like you don't have a grasp of your own life, you begin questioning everything. Did I say that, when did I do this etc. You feel like a huge burden to those around you, you even can become so far as to feel worthless.

Sunday December 2, 2018

36° rain and snow. (Havana playing) The  realization that I no longer have my own bank account is setting in.  While I know it must be done as my confidence is not so good and I this way I won't be able to cause any problems but it still sucks. 🌌♨